Transcript (en)

When I was a teenager, I was addicted to alcohol and got in a lot of trouble and got sober when I was 17. And then three years after that, I was on a television show. And that felt great. And it was like this new thing and new source of, you know, to fill me up. Like when I was young, it was like I was just shy. I just didn't know how to get along in the world. I didn't know how to talk to people. and alcohol was like the best solution for that. The problem is for me, you know, normally you have a window. It's like, it's fun. They say fun with problems and then just problems. Like my window from fun to just problems is so short. And I, you know, I was a ward of the court and all this stuff. But once I couldn't use alcohol to sort of fill that hole, It was like, oh, success, attention, this is great. And so in a weird way I got addicted to validation I guess or success or whatever that is And then there was another thing that happened where along the road you know of trying to get success and you know climb the top of that mountain Attention from women, success with women also became a huge source of validation for me. the problem with that is like i'm sure you can guess like any sort of drug or anything like there's never enough you know it's sort of always i was i talk about like this if then sort of scenario where i thought if i get this then i'll be happy and then i then i got there And then it was like, well, okay, well, if I get that, then I'll be happy. And it was, it was never ending. And it was, it's also sadly the same thing with, with people, you know, it's, oh, if I'm with that, like, this is all subconscious, but like, if I'm with that person, I'll be happy. And then it's not enough. I'm just trying to fill that hole and it never gets filled.