Transcript (en)

Last Saturday, I did a stream where I discussed a decision I had made about my future, my future here on this planet. I'd like to start by elaborating a little more on the rationale that went into this decision. I don't know if I can say I was experiencing some kind of illness-induced psychosis, because I was lucid. It wasn't a decision made rashly or in an emotional state. It was made deliberately and meticulously over the course of several years. I didn't really know how people were going to react. I knew that that was unpredictable. But I did have a hope. I thought, well, maybe people would be understanding if I really took the time to create a compelling and irrefutable argument for why this is happening, which was the purpose of everything I said over those 35 minutes at the beginning of that stream. I knew I couldn't win everyone over, realistically, but I thought if I really explain in a thoughtful, articulate way, maybe most people would be like, yeah, Max, it's sad. This whole situation is sad, but you know, we get it. You do what you gotta do. We respect your right to choose something like this But people have reacted in such an intense way that in retrospect it feels almost like out of touch of me to think that I could try to treat this situation as not a big deal. You guys have sort of snapped me back to reality with that reaction. And now I think I better understand the size of the deal that I thought was not a big deal. At the time, I thought, why do we have euthanasia? Well, we have it for sick people. I'm a sick people. We have it for me. We have it for me. I've seen what there is to see of this world, and now that I'm done, I'm ready to move on and see what's next. That seemed reasonable. I can recall thinking it was reasonable when I've heard other people say similar things. And if people have a problem with it, that's fine, because I just won't care what they think. It's not a decision about them. It's a decision about me and about what's best for me. Pointedly, I won't allow how other people feel to factor into this decision. If people don't like it, I just won't care. And I tell them I say I don care You don like it I don care But then something happened that I couldn have predicted As I started to take note of how people were reacting I noticed that they were really upset. And they were really hurt. And when I noticed how hurt they were, I started to feel guilt and shame. the kind of guilt you would feel if you had done something really wrong, morally and ethically. After the stream, I talked to Courtney, our moderator, expecting her to say like, hey, I'm sorry this is happening, but I get it, you know, just some small answer like that. but instead she was upset, hurt, angry, worried, saddened and I realized that I had done this. It was my fault. And if I'm really hurting this many people morally, I can't do it. I don't have the heart. Not to sound like a martyr, but I can't bring myself to hurt this many people, even if it means I get hurt. I'm sorry for making an ass out of myself. I'm sorry for upsetting everyone. If you cried over me I sorry I made you cry People are going to make fun of me for this forever But obviously I walked into it I'll be punished for this mistake. Don't worry. Maybe I'll play Sonic 3 and Knuckles from start to finish. I could. No reason that I can't. I'm also going to watch Jerma. That's him. That's what he looks like. It's a man who, like myself, plays video games on the internet. And I'm going to eat at a restaurant that isn't Taco Bell. I might also see The Odyssey one more time because I really liked it. I like it a lot. I like The Odyssey. I just need to relax. And then I'll be back. Next week, I'll be back. In conclusion, I'm sorry. I'm sorry this all happened things are hard thanks to everyone who reached out to me so many people so many people that I knew over the years all of them reaching out to me thanks to everyone who donated things are hard but maybe someday they won't be so hard and I'm sorry for sounding like a victim and sounding like a sad sack but uh Thanks for listening, and goodbye. Sorry. Sorry, sorry, everyone. Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Okay, goodbye. Thank you.