Transcript (en)

Boyfriend after that, God, we were, it was the most passionate relationship of my life and the most toxic. He was a drug addict. He was an alcoholic. I learned habits from him. We were a perfect storm. But there was also a lot of love there. That was also a deeply scary time in my life. I was like, oh. Can you share some of those habits? Day drinking. Drinking a bottle of wine before bed every night. He, at that point I had never done a drug. And that was like when I was like, oh, I kind of like how that feels. Yeah, it was a lot of just self-neglect. And it was like the day drinking thing. That was when I was like, oh, you can drink the day after? Huh, I never really thought about that. But also, you know, those types of relationships are the most exciting, like the most passionate, like, whoa. Like this person, I think I'm like, if I were ever to be in a room with him now, it's still one of those people where I would be so I'm equal parts terrified of him and attract like deeply attracted to him so crazy I had one of those where it was like he was definitely into drugs and there's like a thrill element of like the the instability like this person does not have their shit together and it's like every day is fucking different and it's this like exciting rush and it's also what you don't realize is it's like uncomfortable fear that like you are thinking is like attraction, but you're also like, this is, you're my body telling me like, I shouldn't be doing this. Yeah. And it's exactly that. Like my nervous system, the whole time I was with him was like, I did not regulate my nervous system for a full year. But I also loved that because I told you, I loved chaos.