Transcript (en)

What's the dumbest hill anybody's died on in a divorce proceeding? So many. So many hills. Aside from the toaster. There's a chapter in my book called The Case of the Incredible Shrinking Penis. And it tells the story of the dumbest hill I've ever seen somebody die on. And that is that a guy married my client on false pretenses. He wanted a green card. and uh they got married and he literally right after the marriage ceremony left and never came back and my client came to me very upset and said i want this marriage annulled and this was really important to my client we had him served and we said we want an annulment and he said i won't give you an annulment i'll give you a divorce because that way he could keep the citizenship and we said no we want an annulment and the reason he didn't want to give her an annulment is they could affect his citizenship status. So we ended up having an annulment trial and he claimed that they had consummated the marriage, meaning that they had had sex intercourse. Now my client was like a 37 year old woman So you know like how do you prove somebody didn have sex with somebody So I was talking to her about look maybe you want to just take the divorce because like it going to be really hard to prove you didn have sex It's his word against yours. And I said, you know, like, you know, she was like, well, I'm a virgin. And I was like, well, I mean, congratulations. Like that's an accomplishment at 37. But, you know, the chances of your hymen still being intact are like almost nothing. Like, because, you know, as time passes, it gets weaker and it's any gynecologist can tell you that, like, just because a woman's got a broken hymen doesn't mean that they're not a virgin. And I said, but look, if you if it was intact, that would be conclusive proof that you never had sex with this person. So she I said, why don't you go to your gynecologist and find out? So she went to your gynecologist. A couple of days later, I walk into the office. My secretary says Jane Doe is in conference room B and she's very upset. So I was like, all right, I know what this is. Like, I knew it was gonna be. So I go in and I say, listen, you know, it was a long shot. There was no way it was gonna be intact. And she was crying She was like no it intact She like I just came from the doctor Like my hymen is intact And I was like oh game on Like it game on now Like, I was like, are you serious? She's like, yeah. I'm like, and she would testify to that? She's like, yeah. She even, like, took pictures. Like, I was like, oh, it's on now. So we took the case to trial. And we didn't let the guy know. And I had him get on the witness stand. And on cross-examination, I said, you know, you testified earlier that you had sexual intercourse with my client. He said, yes, I did. I said, and when you say you had sexual intercourse, you mean you put your penis into her vagina. The judge is like, Mr. Sexton, I think we all understand that that's what sexual intercourse is. I was like, you know, if I could just have a little leeway, I'd appreciate. He says, I'll give you a little, Mr. Sexton, but this is going to stay PG. This isn't going to get X-rated. I walked through and I said, did you have any problems when you had sex? No, we had no problems. I said, no, sir, I apologize for asking you this. How big is your penis? And it posed an objection. I said, Your Honor, I ask for a little leeway here. This will be relevant, I assure you. She said all right And he said it average size I said respectfully there could be some debate about what it means to be average size I said so how many inches approximately is it He said well you know five or six inches I said five or six inches when erect. He said, yes, five or six inches. I said, very good. Thank you. I said, I have nothing further. Then I called her gynecologist to the stand. And I basically said, would it be physically possible for a five or six inch penis to have penetrated my client's vagina? He said, absolutely not. The only way a person could have had sexual intercourse with her is if they had a microphallus, meaning a penis less than one inch long. And, you know, anything more than that, and they would not have been able to do it. So the guy went back on the stand and said, I exaggerated the size of my penis. It's actually much smaller than that. And I said, it isn't your testimony that your penis is smaller than one inch when erect. And the judge said, all right, that's it. I want to see counsel in chambers and brought us both in chambers and said to opposing counsel, like, your guy's going to grant her the annulment or I'm going to hold him in contempt of court. I'm going to charge him with perjury. He's going to end up in jail. Like, and so he ended up giving her the annulment.